it’s been quite a while since i’ve logged on to this blog, and wow have things ever changed.
i’d like to point out that things have most definitely changed for the better and that I have absolutely no intentions of reverting to my old ways. after a journey of 193 days in hospital, I was set free and I have plunged into life full throttle. I won’t get into the details of what those 193 days were like because they are exhausting to look back on. what I will say about them though is that the saying “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” really resonates with me now. after losing every ounce of freedom and trust and now having earned it all back, I really do have a new found appreciation of everything that I am fortunate enough to have. one of the greatest ironies of the whole deal is that when I was at my lowest weight, I was the most self conscious and self loathing that I had ever been in my life. now, 40lbs later, I am obviously bigger in size and yet I don’t feel fat, I don’t cringe and break down in tears when I pass a mirror, I don’t worry about how the food I eat will affect my outward appearance, I am happy with myself. though I don’t love every inch, I’m able to feel more at peace with living in my body rather than feeling trapped inside it.
I won’t be on this blog very often because I see how well I’ve done without it and I don’t want it to drag me down. there was a time when the support I got through running this blog was quite possibly what was keeping me alive (though I was definitely not living) but now it’s time for me to move on from here too. I won’t delete it, because I know that it may be helpful for some of you to read first hand the struggles I went through and then to see me have reached the “light at the end of the tunnel”, but I really hate rereading my own old posts which lead me to remember what an awful wreck I was.
if you’d like to still keep in touch or just have some sort of connection with me, my personal blog is http://felicit-ie.tumblr.com (I won’t be following back any recovery blogs or blogs related to eating disorders because that’s my reason for not being active of this blog, but I’d be happy to follow back other personal blogs that suit mine:) )
I’d like to note that since having been recovered, I have gone to parties, been on dates, kissed and been kissed, gotten my period, become closer with friends, enjoyed more time with family, played a special role in the lives of the autistic children I have worked with, filled my head with imaginative nonsense, wandered around the city at 2 in the morning, spent the whole day reading, jumped on a bouncy castle all night until the sun came up, run through barricaded fountains, met new friends, climbed (and fallen off) trees, and so so so many more things that I’m sure would not have happened had I still been in the depths of the hell I can no longer even say the name of. also, I have received many more compliments now than I ever did when I was “skinny”. people can tell that I’m happier, they like to be around me because it turns out that underneath the depression that came with the illness, there was a girl that was actually quite the conversationalist, who had a way of making people laugh inappropriately, who made really stupid impulsive decisions that lead to injuries and consequences but later good stories. that was girl my friends were friends with, and she is now the girl that I have reinhabited.
a special thank you to everyone who’d dropped me a message while I was away, they made me tear up while I was reading them earlier. you’re such thoughtful people, I’ve been fortunate enough to encounter you all.
best wishes, natalia