not off to a good start at all
today was my first day at day patient. oh my my oh my. today was one of my most difficult days.
my mom got a call this morning from the hospital for her, my grandpa, and I to come in for a meeting regarding being a day hospital patient. a spot had opened up and it was a crazy rare occasion, considering there are only 7 girls in day hospital at a time, and the waiting list is extremely long. well the waiting list, as it turns out, was tweaked for priority patients, and even though I’ve only been in treatment for a very very short time compared to the others on the list, guess who has been given the spot to start as early as tomorrow morning. me. after my last appointment being so bad, with everything getting worse instead of better for reasons such as a significant weight loss and a huge plummet in my already low mental health (no, no I didn’t make a post about that because it has been screaming fits possessed by the monster in a hysteric tearful rage or complete and total silence with no eye contact whatsoever ever since) I’m assuming that’s what pushed me over to the point of being #1 on the priority list. I’m going to be honest in the twisted way that my eating disorder has made me, I do feel proud, I feel like I’m finally close to being “sick enough” for being chosen out of all of those on the list. the counsellor that I met today told me that my therapist, out of all of the therapists there, was the one the least likely to recommend more intensive treatment unless it was really a life or death situation. again, my twisted mind is proud of that. being on the verge of death has become an accomplishment in my mind. it was a very, very hard meeting to go through, I cried and cursed and screamed and screamed about wanting to die and be done with everything. I refused to eat a bite of anything, and I ranted in an insane ramble fighting and kicking the whole way to the hospital. I then proceeded to cry through the entire meeting. the two ladies that we met with (one being the councillor, and I have no idea what the other lady does) were very straight forward and honest with what I would be facing in day patient. I was of course petrified with everything they said, not wanting any of it to happen, but if I can take one positive thing out of it, I am happy that they were honest with me. they were so nice, and funny even, it was really helpful during that stressful meeting. I got to meet the girls in day patient, and my god do they ever seem nice, they’re going to be the only good part in this hell of an experience. I know how I used to say how I wish I could just go to day patient and get this over with, but now that it’s really happening, I take it all back. I don’t want to get better, I don’t want to be “back to my old self” as my mom keeps saying trying to motivate me. my old self was disgusting, and I got into this for that very reason, to try to change how disgusting I was. I can’t do this, I really cannot handle everything. this is going to keep me out of school for god knows how long, probably even up until my sweet 16 on February 6th. that means that I’ll be in there through Christmas, New Years, my best friend’s sweet 16, my own, and then who even knows for how long after that. I really and truly want to give up right this moment. never before have I honestly considered killing myself, but right now all I can think of is how much I’d rather be dead.
I haven’t been to school in 2 weeks, and I’ve really just lost motivation and even the want to recover. I’m sorry for such a downer post my god but that’s how things have been going lately, so needless to say I haven’t really felt like posting on a recovery blog. I’ll be replying to everyone’s messages later, for now I have to go to the hospital because my nurse is worried and wants me to do a bone density test. I just want to end this post by saying that no, I’m not giving in. this is a bump, yes a huge bump, but that’s all I’m going to let it turn into. I can’t have this illness take my life away.
so I fucked up yesterday and purged for the first time ever after dinner, I felt so sick and disgusting I just did it I don’t even know what I was thinking but I did it okay. I’m not going to lie to myself and say it wasn’t terrible because it was, and the burning feeling in my throat for the rest of the night was a constant reminder of that. I told myself that I would purge all of my meals today. well, I had breakfast, went to the bathroom and started to purge but stopped myself. this is not right. this is not what my body deserves. these aren’t my fingers going down my throat, they’re my monster’s and they’re trying to rid me of the food that is crucial at this point in my survival. SURVIVAL. this isn’t a game as I’ve been living in this fantasy world of losing weight and being fine anymore. it has gotten out of control. if I don’t eat, I WILL die. you will die natalia. I know you’re constantly thinking of how badly you want to die, but now that it’s the reality, now that it’s a valid possibility, is that really what you want? I don’t think so. I really really don’t.
happiness is worth fighting for, so fucking fight.
well thank you my love, for your message and for the giggle after reading your url😉❤️